Friday, March 23, 2007

How to stray from the darkest reaches of the Earth or A brief analysis of The Horrors live at CineSpace

You ever feel like your life is a boring mess of irrelevant shit stains that you must endure in order to feel the “best things available to you…yes you you fortunate motherfucker“? Well you should because, unless you were born with genitals made of adamantium, then this unfortunate state of mind must; in order to stray from the land of enormous pussysucks, occur. The welcome antithesis to this epochal sadness, however, is different from individual to individual. For yours truly, this welcome antithesis came in the form of a fat; smelly old man and his bottle of Heineken. The poor bottle, half full after being unleashed on most of the front row, found its way into the roof and, finally, as a dangerous rain storm of glass shards and beer over an already frenzied audience. Many bruised, kicked face, strained muscles, and “Halle-Halle-Halle-baklava-Lujah rock’n’roll will always find a way to kick your ass” moments later, and you have The Horrors at CineSpace.
Stay safe you meddling kids.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Ohhhh Hedi...

Hallelujah Holla Back!

Favoritos from Dior Homme Fall 2007 by Hedi Slimane

Military Boots.

When it seemed like Hedi Slimane was running out of ideas and just recycling the whole ridiculously skinny everything, Josh Hubbard/Pete Doherty licking scheme every season, he comes in and does something like this. And it came at a good time too. I'm getting kinda overwhelmed by the whole New Rave thing that all the fucking European kids are getting off on. I'll take mod suits and military boots over smiley masks and seafoam green tights anyday.

See, when Hedi Slimane fell in love with the Libertines inspired English rock'n'roll scene (i.e. the tailored suits of Pete Doherty and the super skinny jeans of The Paddingtons' Josh Hubbard), and used that aesthetic in his designs, every rock'n'roll poser (myself included) had to suddenly have slim leather jackets, deep v-necks (or something that shows tits and bellies), and the skinniest jeans we could find. However, when every kid in England started copping the Dior Homme look and Hedi Slimane seemed to be resting on his creation, it looked like everyone started to get a wee bit bored. Sooo, since rock'n'roll was dull now, they decided that it was time for the next great music/fashion revival and, god help us, decided that it was rave culture's time. Coming off the heels of the Klaxons came this MDMA-zing explosion of color, smiley faces, and fucking tights. But let's be honest here, it's not really a rave revival is it? Fucking tights? Even the most E'd up, baby sucker sucking maniac from 1990 wore actual pants (granted they were probably fucking parachutes but whatever). In my world, the only guys that wear tights are professional wrestlers. And don't get me wrong, I'm down for androgyny but I'm never ever down for ugly. Luckily for us, with this collection, Hedi Slimane successfully changed things up a bit. Hopefully, the kids will see this rock'n'roll masterpiece, get off their MDMA highs, realize that they look like ugly ballerinas, and burn their new rave shit. Hopefully. Either that or Europe explodes before this thing catches on in America.

New Rave fashion= uglier than bald britney spears.

Except for this guy:

But, to be honest, only because he's wearing a Burberry jacket.

Otherwise, he looks like a gay samurai.

Viva Hedi Slimane!

Note: As for me, I looked around my university campus and decided that I'm still the freshest thing around. Sooo, I'll stick to my Dior Homme Spring/Summer 2007 copping thank you very much. I've decided that if all these fucks around me start wearing super skinny jeans and italian shoes that I'll sorta cop Dior Homme Fall 2007 by buying a pair of military boots. However, I'm gonna buy the ugliest; dirtiest pair of military boots from the surplus store and then tuck my jeans in them. Fucking out-ridiculous all them ugly ass posers. But you know what? It'll still look better than that sorry ass gay samurai above.

- J

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Film Review: 300

Once in a blue moon a movie rolls around that gets you genuinely hyped on going to the theaters. The first time I saw previews for 300, I nearly shit myself with glee at the prospect of taking all the best elements from Sin City and Gladiator and combining them into one cinematic spectacal of awesomosity.

However, 300 was far from anything awesome. In fact, it's the opposite of awesome. It's genuinely one big turd of a movie.

First off, it had the whole Passion of the Christ thing syndrome where you knew that the main character was already going to die at the end, thereby taking away any dramatic twist the film could've taken. I hate that. Sure, you could always kill the main guy off in some cool, badass way, but King Leonidis went out like a complete retard. Jesus' death was way cooler.

Secondly, the visual effects of the movie are cool for, oh I dunno, five minutes? And then you completely forget they're there. "Oh look, an orange sky... Oh look, one million soldiers." BOOOORING. I can fucking copy and paste a bunch of computer soldiers in one shot if I needed to. A million soldiers onscreen was cool when the Lord of the fucking Rings did it 3 times in a row. Showing a lot of solders walking and shit is NOT entertaining. People who get impressed by CGI are the same people that "ooh" and "ahh" at fireworks. Even dogs are smart enough to get annoyed by fireworks.

As for the action, it was okay. I hate how action movies sprinkle in corny jokes that make a few of the retards in the audience laugh. I like my jokes to either be a) unsolicited, or b) actually funny. The jokes in 300 were neither. And the fight scenes suffered from this whole slow-fast effect thing that I guess was meant to make things look cool and tekky, but in the end robbed them of any fluidity and badassness. There was alot of gore, which is fine, but computer generated gore pales in comparison to good ol fashion ketchup-looking gore. I think they might've topped Rambo III with how many people died in this movie, and Rambo fucking killed all of Russia. There were a good amount of titties in the movie, but whenever they presented them there was always something else REALLY gross in the scene that kinda took away from them. The handbook for ruining scenes with tits in them can probably be written from this movie.

And then there's the bad guys. All the good guys were clearly white dudes, which is fine... but then they go and make the badguys EVERY other race on the spectrum. Those Spartans were killing blacks, asians, muslims, elephants, rhinos, and everyting in between like hotcakes! And the main badguy looked like a 7 foot Prince. Yep, that Prince.

Here's what I've noticed in movies like this... they always try to contrast the foil with the main hero, right? But since the good guys are always wrought with machismo, they always make the bad guy, oh, I dunno, gay. Like, not in the negative way the word gay gets used, I'm talking about like, feminine. Think about it. Scar from Lion King? Caesar from Gladiator? They're all doused with a good healthy dose of queer, which kind of sucks for the gay community because they're painted as a bunch of evil fucks. It's like they're telling us that being a manly man is good, and being feminine equates evil. I guess that accounted for all the annoying bros in the audience who like shouting out stupid shit. But more on that in a bit.

In the end, 300 is one big, hyper-masculine shit fest. Picture the Notebook, but on the other side of the gender spectrum. They stacked cliche upon cliche until the whole thing fell over into the big pile of money it was guaranteed to suck in. I guess 300 could be good if you were stoned, or mentally retarded like 90% of the fuckers in that theater. During a sex scene some white guy thought he'd be really funny and yell out "Get that ass!", generating laughs from a bunch of retarded cunts sprinkled all over the audience. Being the loud annoying guy in a movie DOES NOT and I repeat DOES NOT make you funny. And you know the only reason they were even TRYING to be funny to begin with was because there was the .000001% chance that his joke would be funny enough to get him pussy. It's true. But instead is was annoying, and him and all his prick ass jock friends were all high fiving eachother and shit. I wish bros like that would just do eachother in the butt already, because all their broisms are just retard talk for "I'm secretly a queer but I don't want people to think that."

I guess that was a bit of a tangent, but fuck, 300 sucks and I want those two hours of my life back.

- C