Film Review: 300

Once in a blue moon a movie rolls around that gets you genuinely hyped on going to the theaters. The first time I saw previews for 300, I nearly shit myself with glee at the prospect of taking all the best elements from Sin City and Gladiator and combining them into one cinematic spectacal of awesomosity.

However, 300 was far from anything awesome. In fact, it's the opposite of awesome. It's genuinely one big turd of a movie.

First off, it had the whole Passion of the Christ thing syndrome where you knew that the main character was already going to die at the end, thereby taking away any dramatic twist the film could've taken. I hate that. Sure, you could always kill the main guy off in some cool, badass way, but King Leonidis went out like a complete retard. Jesus' death was way cooler.

Secondly, the visual effects of the movie are cool for, oh I dunno, five minutes? And then you completely forget they're there. "Oh look, an orange sky... Oh look, one million soldiers." BOOOORING. I can fucking copy and paste a bunch of computer soldiers in one shot if I needed to. A million soldiers onscreen was cool when the Lord of the fucking Rings did it 3 times in a row. Showing a lot of solders walking and shit is NOT entertaining. People who get impressed by CGI are the same people that "ooh" and "ahh" at fireworks. Even dogs are smart enough to get annoyed by fireworks.

As for the action, it was okay. I hate how action movies sprinkle in corny jokes that make a few of the retards in the audience laugh. I like my jokes to either be a) unsolicited, or b) actually funny. The jokes in 300 were neither. And the fight scenes suffered from this whole slow-fast effect thing that I guess was meant to make things look cool and tekky, but in the end robbed them of any fluidity and badassness. There was alot of gore, which is fine, but computer generated gore pales in comparison to good ol fashion ketchup-looking gore. I think they might've topped Rambo III with how many people died in this movie, and Rambo fucking killed all of Russia. There were a good amount of titties in the movie, but whenever they presented them there was always something else REALLY gross in the scene that kinda took away from them. The handbook for ruining scenes with tits in them can probably be written from this movie.

And then there's the bad guys. All the good guys were clearly white dudes, which is fine... but then they go and make the badguys EVERY other race on the spectrum. Those Spartans were killing blacks, asians, muslims, elephants, rhinos, and everyting in between like hotcakes! And the main badguy looked like a 7 foot Prince. Yep, that Prince.

Here's what I've noticed in movies like this... they always try to contrast the foil with the main hero, right? But since the good guys are always wrought with machismo, they always make the bad guy, oh, I dunno, gay. Like, not in the negative way the word gay gets used, I'm talking about like, feminine. Think about it. Scar from Lion King? Caesar from Gladiator? They're all doused with a good healthy dose of queer, which kind of sucks for the gay community because they're painted as a bunch of evil fucks. It's like they're telling us that being a manly man is good, and being feminine equates evil. I guess that accounted for all the annoying bros in the audience who like shouting out stupid shit. But more on that in a bit.

In the end, 300 is one big, hyper-masculine shit fest. Picture the Notebook, but on the other side of the gender spectrum. They stacked cliche upon cliche until the whole thing fell over into the big pile of money it was guaranteed to suck in. I guess 300 could be good if you were stoned, or mentally retarded like 90% of the fuckers in that theater. During a sex scene some white guy thought he'd be really funny and yell out "Get that ass!", generating laughs from a bunch of retarded cunts sprinkled all over the audience. Being the loud annoying guy in a movie DOES NOT and I repeat DOES NOT make you funny. And you know the only reason they were even TRYING to be funny to begin with was because there was the .000001% chance that his joke would be funny enough to get him pussy. It's true. But instead is was annoying, and him and all his prick ass jock friends were all high fiving eachother and shit. I wish bros like that would just do eachother in the butt already, because all their broisms are just retard talk for "I'm secretly a queer but I don't want people to think that."

I guess that was a bit of a tangent, but fuck, 300 sucks and I want those two hours of my life back.

- C